I share this very personal experience to hopefully help others out there that are struggling with the same thing.
The years 2009 and 2010 have been extremely difficult for me. I have experienced four miscarriages in which I lost five babies (set of twins) and enough heartache to last several lifetimes. I can honestly say I have hit rock bottom emotionally. I feel that the Lord is trying to teach me something through these experiences and no matter how hard I try to understand it I'm just not getting it.
My regular Ob/Gyn referred me to an infertility doctor in hopes that he could give me some answers. I met with him last week. The extensive testing he (fertility doc) would like to do is going to cost roughly around $2500, money we just don't have right now to devote to reproduction. He wants a hysteroscopy, chromosome testing, and other blood work. I don't feel desperate to conceive...yet. I don't feel like my birthing years are coming to an end and I'm running out of options. Six months ago I would have paid a million dollars to be given some answers as to why I have lost these babies but for some reason at this point in my life it just doesn't feel right. I don't want to do all these invasive procedures. If my body can't do it on its own then maybe I'm not meant to have another baby. So now we are left with the question: How much longer can we go through this? When is enough, enough and we let go of having another baby?
I feel like I need to exercise faith. Faith that my loving Heavenly Father knows whats best for me, faith that he will give me the strength to handle what comes my way. I know in my heart that if the Lord wanted me to have another child he would give me one.
Throughout these trying times I have not forgotten that I have 4 wonderful children. They have brought me such happiness and overwhelming joy. I love them more now than I ever have. I realize that bearing children is nothing short of a miracle. I truly took it for granted before. I have been blessed with an amazing husband who loves me unconditionally and is always looking out for my well-being. Many times he has offered his shoulder for me to cry on. I know he doesn't understand all this "woman stuff" as he calls it but he is really trying. I love him so much! Whatever comes our way in 2011 I hope that I can hold my family together and focus on the things that matter most to me.