Monday, January 10, 2011

Knowing When to Let Go

I share this very personal experience to hopefully help others out there that are struggling with the same thing.

The years 2009 and 2010 have been extremely difficult for me. I have experienced four miscarriages in which I lost five babies (set of twins) and enough heartache to last several lifetimes. I can honestly say I have hit rock bottom emotionally. I feel that the Lord is trying to teach me something through these experiences and no matter how hard I try to understand it I'm just not getting it.

My regular Ob/Gyn referred me to an infertility doctor in hopes that he could give me some answers. I met with him last week. The extensive testing he (fertility doc) would like to do is going to cost roughly around $2500, money we just don't have right now to devote to reproduction. He wants a hysteroscopy, chromosome testing, and other blood work. I don't feel desperate to conceive...yet. I don't feel like my birthing years are coming to an end and I'm running out of options. Six months ago I would have paid a million dollars to be given some answers as to why I have lost these babies but for some reason at this point in my life it just doesn't feel right. I don't want to do all these invasive procedures. If my body can't do it on its own then maybe I'm not meant to have another baby. So now we are left with the question: How much longer can we go through this? When is enough, enough and we let go of having another baby?

I feel like I need to exercise faith. Faith that my loving Heavenly Father knows whats best for me, faith that he will give me the strength to handle what comes my way. I know in my heart that if the Lord wanted me to have another child he would give me one.

Throughout these trying times I have not forgotten that I have 4 wonderful children. They have brought me such happiness and overwhelming joy. I love them more now than I ever have. I realize that bearing children is nothing short of a miracle. I truly took it for granted before. I have been blessed with an amazing husband who loves me unconditionally and is always looking out for my well-being. Many times he has offered his shoulder for me to cry on. I know he doesn't understand all this "woman stuff" as he calls it but he is really trying. I love him so much! Whatever comes our way in 2011 I hope that I can hold my family together and focus on the things that matter most to me.

14 comments:

Kristie said...

Thanks for being so honest Stephanie! Although you may not have known, your experience does help other people, and I can say that because it has helped me. Here's to a great 2011!

Jess & Jessica said...

Thanks for sharing. You are one strong women and I know that you will be a stronger person because of this. It is such an interesting thought that we experience all these things here on earth to prepare us to be like God. Knowing that sometimes makes it easier, however the pain is still real and the emotions are still there. You are a wonderful person! :)

Dora Thomas said...

I am glad you feel better about it. You are right, faith is going to be your best friend. You are young and if the Lord has in mind one more for you family, he ll do it in his time, you are bless to have the time to wait and see. Love u.

Jen Kesler said...

You are a great example to tons of people, including me. Natalie and Cooper are great kids and I love them both a ton. Great kids=great parents!!!! I think the love that you have for your family shows in more ways than you really know. I appreciate your positive outlook and the faith that you have. It means a lot!

~jen said...

Wow. You are an amazing lady, Stephanie. It sounds like you've got a good perspective on things, despite how challenging that is. I hope that after experiencing the bitter, 2011 will be a sweet, sweet year for you. Frequently life changes when we least expect it to.

Autumn and Kirk said...

W-O-W! Thank you for the inspiring words and for the reminder that our children are true blessings from our Heavenly Father and that we should never take that for granted. Your children are very blessed to have you as a mother and for the strength you bring to your family.

Marsha said...

Hang in there kidd-o. I hope 2011 brings you much happiness and love no matter what happens.

McCuistion Family said...

I am so sorry to hear that. I dont really know you but you sound like a strong and amazing woman. I know exactly how you feel with all the "woman stuff" and its such a nightmare. Jake and I have been trying to have another baby for 3 years now (although we have only had one miscarriage, it was early on) all the doctor stuff and pills just stresses me out and i dont feel like myself i hate it. you have such an awesome attitude about everything and i hope 2011 brings great things for you! :)

Tim and Sara said...

Stephanie, I've been thinking about you and wondering how your testing went, so I'm glad to hear an update. You really are a great example. I hope 2011 brings healing and hope for you!

Meagan said...

Hey Stephanie. I SO know what you are going through. The thousands of dollars, doctors, tests.... it never seems to end. Through our years of infertility, Cam and I just kept reminding ourselves that Heavenly Father knows who we are and what we are going through. But, at times, even that knowledge doesn't take away the pain go away. Love, Meagan

Haute Deb Designs said...

I'm so glad you posted this. I know it must've been hard :( I'm proud of you for "trusting in the Lord" when all you want is answers. I always try to remind myself that it's not always on our time, but the Lord's time. Another thing that sucks, but that I try to hold onto is that it's what the Lord wants, not what we want. I know both of those things are hard to remember and deal with, and I still have a hard time with my trials on a daily basis. I hope you can be at peace with whatever happens, and remember that I'm here for you babe!!

miche said...

I'm with ya sister. I would also like to be able to answer the question: When is enough enough? I am not ready yet, to draw the line and say I'm not going to have any more kids, but I'm getting closer to it all the time.

Rennie said...

Stephanie...I was feeling like you are when my 3rd child was about 4 years old. I desperately wanted another child. I went to the doctor but was unwilling to take pills or go through all of the medical intervention to conceive. I figured that if it was meant to be then it would happen. It did...when my 3rd child was 10, and the others were 13 and almost 16.

It's all about the Lord's time. As long as you're willing to do things His way you're going to be fine. Our timing is definintely not His timing.

I never would have thought that becoming a mother again at the age of 37 would be something I would want or do on purpose but I'm so glad that I have Austin in my "old age".

I kind of decided back then that if a child was meant to come into the world there would be nothing you could do to stop it and that if you weren't meant to have one there would be nothing you could do to generate a pregnancy.

All I can say is hold on, be patient and remain faithful.

harada57 said...

there would be nothing you could do to generate a pregnancy.

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